It's been a while. I can't say I miss blogging because I've found a different way to pour my heart out. For the past few months, I've been trying to keep a journal. However, I couldn't do it. Just like I am with this blog, I can't constantly update it because honestly, I suck at words. When I have a lot to think of, I grab my bike and pedal away from all of it. I guess I prefer running away from it all. You see, when I'm riding my bike, I stop thinking. It's like I'm in a different world where all I have to think about is keeping the bike moving. Unfortunately, once I stop, the problems invade my mind like they were just waiting for my feet to stop pedaling. When I stop, I am brought back to the world I tried very hard to run away from. Usually, I can handle it on my own. Sometimes, I need a little talk with my girls, with my bestfriend, and with other people who give good advice, then I'm good to go. Problem Solved. End of discussion. However, there are problems that I can't even tell my friends, or my family. I don't feel like opening up because it's my problem. They shouldn't be concerned with it anymore. Should they?
So here I am, finding some guidance on the internet. I know no one reads my blog, but at least I can feel like somehow, I've released this negative vibe that's been eating me up.
A week. A week from now I'm going to go to the doctor for another check-up. I know I shouldn't be scared , but I can't help it. What if the doctor tells me exactly what I've been dreaming of? How would I react? How would my mom react? Imagine, an 18-year old girl with that sickness? Wow, how pitiful. I'm scared because every day, I feel it getting bigger. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but this paranoia is eating me up, making me dread the day when I go to that doctor's office.
Yes, this time it's a real problem. It's not some stupid high school infatuation that obviously filled this blog. It's not some simple story abut what happened during the past few months. It's just my fear. My fear of being sick. My fear of dying. My fear of this.
In a week's time, you'll hear from me. I just hope you're all praying for good news.
